The holidays are fast approaching. There’s so much to do. I know that you are thinking, “How in the world am I going to get through this?” No matter what stage of life you are living (and I do hope that you are living and not just passing through that stage!) no doubt that there is so much to do and it’s overwhelming.

How can you take care of yourself and do “self-care” when you have so much to do and to take care of?

The first thing to do is to close your eyes for one minute and remind yourself why you are here and why are you so busy. A woman who can stay focus and remember her goals and her mission in life, she already feels calmer and is strengthened by this goal. Remind yourself that this busy time – it’s only once a year. G-d will give you strength. You have to tap into Him though, in order to bring that strength down. Second – anything that brings you closer to your goal, keep doing. Anything that furthers you from your goal, stop. Focus on one thing at a time, one task at a time. Get as much help, any help (that’s real help) that you can. Humble yourself. You don’t have to be perfect, nor should you. Third – take a break. It must be for at least once a day. Even for 10 minutes. Close your eyes. Read. Exercise. Do something for your physical health and something for your mental health to keep you on track and feeling strong.

Women come to me for alternative therapies. Thursday night a new client came. She was a tall attractive woman in her forties who very much wants to have a baby. For some reason we started talking about her siblings and she mentioned that she has a single brother who is in his late thirties. “He’s a great person. I so wish that I could find someone for him.”

A woman popped into my mind. A massage client of mine who has been coming off and on for massages for the past few years. She’s an intelligent, kind woman. She happens to be tall and in her mid-thirties. “Hmm. Maybe I have a match for your brother?”  I looked for her phone number, but it was erased from my phone. I leafed through my agenda books to see if I could find it. It wasn’t there.

“G-d,” I prayed. “Please have Michal call me.”

Two days later after Shabbat my phone rang.

“Elana. It’s Michal.”

“Michal! I’m so happy that you called. I might have someone for you!”

“Elana, do you have any idea where I am?”

“No.”

“I’m in Uman, in the Ukraine. I’m praying [to meet my soulmate] by the graves of the tzadikim (righteous ones). I did something to my back and I said to myself that I must call you and make an appointment with you for tomorrow when I arrive back in Jerusalem…”

“What Divine Providence!”

The next day Michal came. I gave her number to the other lady. Whether or not it turns out to be a match, I don’t know, but what I do know, what I told Michal is this…

“Michal, if I, your massage therapist thinks of you and prays for you-which I do, everyday-then how much more so does G-d, who is your Father, love you!”

To this Michal, who has been dating and searching for her soulmate for the past fifteen years, began to cry. Why? Because Michal told me that she felt all these years that “no” means “I don’t love you.”

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My toddler, thank G-d, I’m enjoying him so much. You can already see he has a strong personality. He has goals, objects that he wants to obtain and reach for. He takes the chair or the stool here, there, everywhere and he lifts himself up on his tippy toes to grab at whatever item looks appealing to him. I can’t take my eyes off of him for a minute.

On our table I have a jar full of nuts and almonds for the bigger kids to take as a snack when they are hungry. Yosef Shalom climbs up. He wants what they are eating too. I won’t let him have them. “But Mommy,” my five-and-a-half-year-old asks, “Why not? There are so healthy!”
“Yes, they are. But Yosef Shalom is too little and for him, for now, they are dangerous. He could, G-d forbid, choke.”

I’m not giving my son something so healthy. Does this mean I don’t love him?
Of course not because we know that even though they are so healthy, for my little one, right now they are dangerous.  And if a child was allergic to the nuts, then the age or the maturity wouldn’t matter, we still wouldn’t be able to give them to him.

A woman asks me, “Why is G-d withholding children from me? Why wouldn’t He want me to have a child? Doesn’t He love me?”

My thoughts too ran away from me and in this direction, those years my husband and I tried to conceive. I equated no with rejection, with lack of love. I kept asking, “What am I doing wrong? What have I done?” Slowly I understood that the “no” wasn’t a punishment. The no was simply giving me and my husband time to grow.
“Why haven’t I found a husband to share my life with? Doesn’t G-d want me to build a family? It must be that He doesn’t love me!”

I go back to my Yosef Shalom, my adorable toddler who if he could would touch and eat whatever he could get his pudgy hands onto. Do I love him when I tell him no? Absolutely. Does he cry and scream when I say no? Does maybe to him, in his level of understanding does it seem like I’m rejecting him? It could be, but is that the Truth? No.

***
A pregnant client nearing birth comes for a prenatal massage. I tell her as the birth approaches. “Remember, the most important thing in the birth is to know that G-d loves you.”

“How did you know that was exactly what I needed to hear?”

“Because we all need to hear this. We all need to know this.”
​
In each stage in life, with each test of life, I think the most important thing to know is that yes, G-d loves you.

I opened the cupboard door and the metal pot came crashing on my head, banging me in my eye. My head throbbed and I could feel my eye starting to swell. I looked up at the cabinet bursting and wasn’t surprised that the pot fell out. The cupboard was stuffed because I tried to make room for “just one more thing.” Women frequently ask me, “How do I know when to push myself and when to say no?  It’s a good question. I think the answer lies in the cabinet.

If after doing the “one more thing” you feel happy, satisfied, good about your decision, good about yourself – do it. If you feel energy, growth, expansion then the “one more thing” is good. It’s good to push yourself, to expand, to make room for more. Sometimes you can rearrange those cabinets and yes, make room for more. Therefore, if you are tired and you push yourself to get up earlier to exercise, to pray, to make yourself a healthy breakfast and afterwards you feel good about it, you know that you needed the push.

But if the “one more thing,” the extra hour of exercise, the one more volunteer task, the one more hour of work makes you feel irritable, exhausted, frustrated, angry or resentful, then your cupboard is full and you are just hitting yourself over the head. Then it’s not coming from a healthy place-the urge that’s pushing you to say “yes” and here you need to confront it by saying no.

Do you really believe that it can happen? That’s the first question to ask yourself. Do you really believe that you can heal? The mind says one thing but the heart is pulling you in a different direction. The intelect, logic, says: “Of course, I know that G-d can cure me.” You know this intellectually, but do you really, really believe? This is the hard part. This is the faith part.

This is where the test lies. The Sages tell us that the rains won’t fall except for the “baalei amanah” – the masters of faith (Taanit 8a). Who were these masters of faith? The ones who planted seeds. They planted. They believed. This belief ignited the potential and G-d sent the rains in their merit. So, I ask you, do you really believe that you can heal? Do you really believe that you can feel better? Be better? Do better? It’s the first step. When a woman comes to me for healing it’s my prerequisite for the process. I ask her, and I ask you: “Do you see it happening? Do you believe it can? I do, but do you?”

 Her eyes tear. She’s in pain, and while her body feels pain, I know that the tears are not coming from the physical ache. They stream down her cheeks from the longing, the yearning. They flood from loneliness, sadness-from a deep inner pain. The woman takes a look at herself and she feels pain.

​I wonder, how many of us feel physical pain? How many suffer from chronic shoulder, back and neck pain? How many from migraine headaches, upset stomachs, hormonal imbalances? Could the source of the pain be from the heart that cries out in longing? From the thoughts that turn always to the negative? Could the pain stem from a need to be perfect and not accept anything less?

We pray for perfection:  But maybe the process to achieving this perfection is to first accept that “I’m not perfect and I don’t have to be.” We strengthen our faith and strive for new heights in it. We strengthen our connection and get closer and closer to our Creator. We accept our imperfection. We relinquish control, ask for help when we need it. Stop and rest when we need it. We take care of ourselves when we need to. NO, I’m not superwoman and I’m not even supposed to be one. Perfection in the imperfection and acceptance that the process is the goal – not how much I can get done – this is a form of redemption. This leads to healing. May it be a complete healing, a refuah shleima. 

​I want to bequeath to you a secret to healing and the main ingredient for maintaining your youth.

This summer my eleven-year-old broke his arm. The arm was x-rayed and bound. Patience. Two weeks later we took him back to the orthopedist. Another x-ray showed that the bones already looked healed and fused together. Miracles. There were no words to describe our gratitude.

This was in stark contrast to my seventy-year-old mother’s broken wrist which, after months, is still in the healing process. Why, with G-d’s help, did my son heal so quickly, and why does it take my mother so long? The answer is the main ingredient to healing and youth. It’s called flexibility.

One moment the child cries and the next he’s laughing. They twirl and they dance. They fall and they cry. They get up and twirl again. Children are wonderfully flexible. Their bodies are flexible, but so are their minds. (Even the stubborn, strong-willed ones!) They adapt, they learn, they grow. Children are experts at being young. They are experts at being flexible. They are expert healers.

The fountain of youth, the secret to healing? It lies in our ability to be flexible and be in the moment. To “go with the flow” and learn from each of life’s situations.

Close your eyes and savor the moment. Reach up to the sky and stretch. Feel yourself grow, expand, and become more flexible. 

When a person has an imbalance-whether it be physical, emotional or spiritual what happens? There’s illness.
So in our quest for physical, emotional, spiritual health, how do we find the balance? How do we maintain our health during the chaggim when it feels like everything about us is off balance?

The verse says in Psalms, "הַשָּׂם גְּבוּלֵךְ שָׁלוֹם", yes, G-d will put peace in our boarders, but read it a different way...put your boarders, there will be peace....Isn't that beautiful? I heard this and I so connect to it. If we don't put the right boarders, boundaries, if we don't know when to say NO and when to say YES, then there is no shalom!!! Not physically, not spiritually, not emotionally.

At times the boarders are wider, at times they have to be smaller. We still need flexibility, but they have to be there. So yes, holidays come and we indulge a bit. One piece of cake is fine, but not two at each meal. You’ll feel sick. Guests are wonderful and it’s a beautiful mitzvah, but it can’t be at the expense of your spouse or your children or yourself! Say no to say yes! It's your work (avodah) to learn to know how much and when and which boundaries to put and to have confidence and the right self-esteem and self-respect to know that by saying no (when you need to) you are saying yes- creating shalom-peace, within and without. 

I know it might not make sense. I’m telling you to take care of yourself, get adequate rest and eat nutritious, well balanced meals. You tell me about the ninety-year-old grandfather you know who drinks ten cups of coffee a day, eats margarine-filled borekas for breakfast and smoked for fifty years. He, you tell me, is healthy and strong as an ox. Then you describe the young twenty-year-old vegan who drinks wheat grass every morning, exercises daily and yet has, lo aleinu, cancer; the woman you know who is pregnant with her tenth child, lives off cola and white bread chocolate spread sandwiches, while the one who only eats organic and whole grains is still childless. I know, it doesn’t make sense and you might ask me, “If my health is in G-d’s hands what does it matter what I eat and what I do?” To this I tell you that your body is a vessel. It’s a gift, a gift from G-d. Come judgment day and our Creator is going to ask you, “What did you do with this precious gift that I gave you? Did you take care of it and treat it with respect and love? Did you nurture it and use it wisely? Did you live responsibly and intelligently?”

The Ramchal in Mesilat Yesharim (9) instructs us: And a person who desires not to conduct himself in a wise manner and open himself up to dangers, this is not evidence of trust in G-d, but rather irresponsibility. Behold he is sinning in that he is conducting himself against the Will of G-d, Who Wishes that a person take care of himself… Yes, G-d decides who will live and who will die. Who will be healthy and who, G-d forbid, will be sick. But we have an obligation to take care of ourselves. He loves us. He is our Father and He wants us to love and take care of his child.

How can we grow to be better people? What is life's goal? Our goal is to mirror our Creator. He is compassionate and merciful. We must be compassionate and merciful. He is patient we must be patient.  Easier said than done, no? What is our first step to working towards this goal?

סוּר מֵרָע וַעֲשֵׂה טוֹב-Turn away from evil (bad) and do good…

Our first step is too turn away from seeing ourselves as bad! When you stop seeing yourself as bad, stop telling yourself that you can’t, you’re not good enough, etc. you will see the good that is inherently inside giving you the motivation you need to do good. This is on a spiritual level as well as a physical level.

Nowadays one is bombarded with information, diets, health tips, etc. Who knows what is a fact and what is merely a temporary fad?  Follow the sage advice of David HaMalech, סוּר מֵרָע וַעֲשֵׂה טוֹב, you don’t need to get fancy, start off with turning away from sugar, refined grains, and partially hydrogenated or fully hydrogenated oils and you will automatically be eating a healthier diet.

​As we enter the month of Elul make a little diary by daily writing five different things that you thank Hashem for and three things which you are happy with yourself about. (“I greeted my spouse with a smile even though I was upset.” “I forgave myself for making a mistake.” “I used my time productively.” Etc….) Look at your diet and see if there is one food item that contains refined grains or sugar and see if this this month you can do without… Tell yourself you can and with G-d’s help you will!