https://youtube.com/live/Q4YpaENaFoU
I explained to a kalla (bride) this morning that my metaphors in every matter of life are usually around labor and birth. Yes, the metaphor can be applied, in my opinion and experience, to every moment in time.
There are peaks and down moments. Intensity and calm. We come into this planet with a wave-going up and going down. The waves of light, sound, ocean, UV...life are to teach us that just as it goes up so too will it come down. It always helps to take a deep breath and drop (relax) your muscles and that the biggest tests are the ones in your own mind. The challenge is to stay in the moment and take it one contraction (challenge) at a time. Remind yourself, "I just have to get through this one." Notice that there is always a break in between because otherwise you lump everything into one long intense experience. Take advantage of the breaks to catch your breath, strengthen yourself, and prepare yourself for the next one knowing that just as Hashem helped you to get through that one, so too will He bs'D help you get through this one. It’s amazing the strength that a woman has when she is expecting and carrying another life. It’s not just physical strength, it’s superwoman emotional and mental strength. She might be a woman who enjoys a glass of wine with dinner and yet during those nine months won’t touch any alcohol. She distances herself from a smoker. Takes care not to eat things that are unsafe. She’s cautious. She won’t take medications without asking twice and weighing the options.
She shows incredible self-restraint to things that normally she wouldn’t think twice about doing, even if they were not the best for her physical or mental health. She takes more cautions on the spiritual realm as well. The music she listens to, what she sees, where she goes, what she hears. She’s forced to listen to her body and respect those limits more. The exhaustion signals her to lie down and she does. The back not to carry and she puts that weight down. Why? Well, there is something about being pregnant and the responsibility of that baby. She’s not sure where she ends and where the baby’s body begins. They are two entities, but fused together. She tells herself, “I’m doing this for my baby.” She is and that is beautiful, but why does that taking care of oneself seem to end there? Ironically self-care isn’t only about one self. It’s certainly not about putting everyone on hold so that I can pamper myself. It has nothing to do with a spa or a vacation or disconnecting from the world and that only you exist. Self-care is yes, the literal act of caring for one’s self because this is an essential component, it’s the basis, the prerequisite for taking care of anyone else. First you must have a sense of “self” and then you can care for others. As women we have this tendency, and I must say that it’s beautiful, the desire, to want to nurture and take care. HaKadosh Baruchu created us for such a purpose. The womb has the potential to nurture and care for another human being. In Hebrew the word for womb, רחם is related to the word רחמים, mercy. With mercy the woman literally houses another soul for the duration of the pregnancy. The breasts, the potential to produce the perfect food for an infant, a baby. But again, if a woman doesn’t take care of herself, nurture herself, mother herself, feed herself, then the power to do what she was created to do will be drained from her. Here we are and it’s that busy time of the year. The calendar days fly, the what to do list is long and the pressure surmounts. The first thing to go is “me.” It’s the time when eating healthy is put to the side. When there is no time to exercise or listen to a shiur. When you say, “After the holidays I will get back into…” Or “After the holidays I will start to…” But this is actually the time when self-care is most needed. It’s of course being realistic. You try to juggle to many balls and you end up dropping them all. What can you do? First, readjust your mindset. As Hillel the great sage taught, "He [also] used to say: If I am not for myself, who is for me? But if I am for my own self [only], what am I? And if not now, when (Pirke Avot 1:14)?” Tell yourself that I need to take care of myself so that I can take care of those around me. Technically set yourself up and make obtainable goals. It’s not the time to start your dream project or take on tasks that will be too great to bear. Our sages say, “If you grasped many, you did not grasp anything; if you grasped few, you grasped something (Talmud Chagigah 17a).” While taking an hour aerobics class might not be realistic, going for a quick 10- or 15-minute walk is something that you can fit in at some point in your day and do. Turning off the phone at night and not answering texts or calls after 10pm is also something that you can do. The majority of things can wait until the morning. Eating a yogurt, an egg, a piece of fruit or a handful of nuts is a healthy snack and something that you can do. Putting on a class to inspire and feed your soul as you clean or cook is something that you can do. Taking a few moments to close your eyes and roll your shoulders and just breathe the breath of life is also something that you can. Again, it’s not all or nothing. It’s creating a space for yourself to exist so that you can recharge, expand and have more energy and strength to do what it is that you want and have to do. It’s entering the holidays with joy and vigor and it’s possible for all of us to do. Moshe Chaim! Now the story behind the name... Eight years ago, I walked into Share Tzedek on Ta’anit Esther (Fast of Esther), the 13th of Adar having had a miscarriage. When we left the hospital later that night after the D & C it was already Purim. I turned to my husband in the elevator on our way out and said, “Mazel tov. We didn’t have a baby, but we have a neshama (soul) and after 120 years we will meet this neshama in Shamayim (Heaven).” Purim, that year was challenging to say the least. Fast forward six years and my father in-law zt’l passed away on Ta’anit Esther, my husband entered Purim as an avel (mourner) and the whole world turned upside down with Corona. Purim, that year was challenging to say the least. The following year, last year, was my father in-law’s one-year yahrzeit. That night started a special three-day Purim celebration in Jerusalem. We listened to the Megillah. The next morning, erev Shabbat Purim, Feb 26th, I awoke early and went to the hear Megillah reading. I returned home and made challah, just in time to get a call from one of my clients that she was in labor. Shortly after I went to the hospital, Share Tzedek, thanking Hashem that I had been able to hear the Megilla and also take challah. I prayed that it would go smoothly and that maybe I would even be able to make it back in time for Shabbes. It was a first birth and it progressed, but as most first births the baby was taking his time. As it got closer to Shabbat I found myself in a dilemma, for the first time in a dozen years of being a doula I was at a birth and I was supposed to go to the mikvah that night. Had it been a weekday, I could somehow have arranged to find a way to drive to a mikvah that was opened very late at night or to call a baalanit (mikvah attendant) and arrange for her to meet me when the labor was finished, but it was to going to be on Shabbat and not only that, this was still during Corona when appointments to the mikvah were required. It was also so close to Shabbat, and I couldn't find a backup to take my place at that point. What would be would be, it was out of my hands, but I had to try. I made phone calls to figure out which mikvah was closest to Share Tzedek hospital and until when they would wait for me. At that point my laboring woman decided that she wanted to take an epidural and she wanted to go to sleep. I turned to her and her husband and asked them if it was okay for me to quickly go home, shower and change for Shabbat, light my Shabbes candles, bless my children and then walk back to the hospital. I told them I would hurry and not be long. They told me, “Go, it’s fine.” The woman went to sleep and I hurried home. I took my bath, got ready for the holy Sabbath, lit my candles, blessed my children and then started to walk back to the hospital, but first stopped at the mikvah, grateful that I had been able to do, with a bit of mesirat nefesh, the three mitzvot of the woman that day. I walked back to the hospital and a baby boy was born at 10:30 PM that Shabbat, Shushan Purim, Feb 26th night. I then walked back home, another forty-minute walk, again grateful that Hashem had done such chesed with me that I was able to do all these mitzvas. I had no idea what would be in a year’s time to come… Three months later we packed up our belongings in boxes and moved to a different apartment. My road to motherhood, and each child that we were blessed with Baruch Hashem, had been one of many prayers, laughter and tears and at 43 I felt grateful that Hashem had blessed me with five children and that it was time to let go. To give away the crib, the baby clothes, the maternity clothes, the nursing items. We moved and that week Hashem blessed me with another child growing in my womb. The due date…for the month of Adar. My father, Shmuel Moshe ben Nechemia z’l, passed away the week before Chanukah and I sat shiva (mourning), six months pregnant, sick with Corona. The already challenging pregnancy became that much more challenging physically and of course emotionally, but b’chesdei (with the kindness of) Hashem, we made it and it was already once again Adar, the month of Purim, the month of simcha, except this year is a “pregnant year” a leap year and we celebrate two Adars. Many times, I kept thinking that I was in labor, but I was not and then Purim katan passed and so did Shabbes. Another week passed and once again I thought on Thursday that I was in labor and I was not. Friday, erev Shabbes Kodesh, Shabbes m’varechim, Shabbes Shaklim, I awoke early and made my challah. Contractions came and went here and there. I lit my Shabbes candles and then the labor really began. Shabbes morning, Feb 26th my husband and I were once again in Share Tzedek, but this time for the birth of my son. The midwife who delivered my baby was named Ayala. Her name reminded me of Ayalat Hashachar, the Psalm that we say on Ta’anit Esther and Purim, the darkest moment in the night, says the Malbim, before the rising of the sun. Haman drew lots to see which month was the best to destroy the Jews and he came up with the month of Adar. Why? Because it was the month that Moshe Rabbeinu passed away. However, this month was also the month that Moshe Rabbeinu was born… And so “vayefuchu” upside down. The month of challenge became the month of simcha (joy). It is written that when a child is born it brings consolation to the family in mourning. It certainly brings bracha (blessing) and simcha to the world. There is a connection between Chanukah and Purim, the two holidays that are rabbinic and will stay even after Mashiach comes. My father in-law passed away right before Purim two years ago and my father passed away right before Chanukah this year. Hashem blessed us with a baby boy in Adar. It is also written that within the נשמה, the soul, we have the word שם which is "name". The name is the essence of the person and it is written that parents are imbued with a certain holy spirit, a certain Divine intuition when choosing the name of their child. Now, we come to the name of our dear son….Moshe Chaim! The month of Adar, in which Moshe passed away and was born, turned from suffering to celebration. With “life”, Chaim, everything turned around. Our son’s brit milah, when he was named, was on Shabbes Kodesh, Parshat Pikudah, when Moshe, after seeing that the nation did all that Hashem commanded them to do to build the mishkan (the “dwelling” place of the Divine Presence, and today our home), blessed them. Moshe Chaim is also the name of the Ramchal (Mesilat Yersharim, Derech Hashem). May our Moshe Chaim bring blessing to all Am Yisrael and give nachat ruach to Hashem and as my husband pointed out, his initials Moshe Chaim ben Shlomo, מ. ח.ש. also make up the word שמח, to be happy, and when ה, for Hashem, is added it’s SIMCHA שמחה! משנכנס אדר מרבים בשמה! MAZEL TOV!!!! B’chesdei Hashem, with gratitude to HaKadosh Baruchu, Elana I have been up so many hours now I am not sure how I'm still awake as I haven't slept in over forty hours, a combination of feeling like I myself gave birth and of Shavuos night, but I wanted to share this before it leaves me.
A very long day I had yesterday that started very very early in the morning. One thing to the next I went where Hashem took me. After a class and picking up my son's laundry from his yeshiva gate I made my way to the hospital. It was already very very late. All night long I was with "Sarah" at the hospital, with her in her labor. There was a moment when it wasn't night, but it still wasn't day. It was so late and so early. We shared some moments and "Sarah" told me a bit of her and her husband, let's call him "Avraham's" meeting, their journey. They had already been married for quite a few years and had been told that their chances of having children were slim and having a child naturally was impossible. I repeat. Impossible. I'm telling you this story. It's still fresh, it happened this morning. I was there. Well "Avraham" and "Sarah" after deciding that they couldn't take anymore failed treatments, quit. The next month baruch Hashem, thank G-d, Sarah conceived. Yes, naturally. I was there, all night and all morning.... And somewhere in the labor I remembered that this week is parshat Vayera. The parsha when the angels came to tell Avraham that he and his barren wife Sarah, old people well beyond their fertile years, would have a son. There was laughter. Laughter in faith and laughter in, how could the impossible be possible? Or maybe it's possible, but who am I to think that I'm worthy to have the impossible happen to me? You see when the angels came to Avraham and Sarah, they were indeed great and had passed many tests, but they still were just a couple, an old man and an old woman sitting in a tent. EXTRAORDINARY, but also ORDINARY people who had tests, trials, ups and downs, worked very hard and really, they didn't have it easy. To them Hashem said the impossible according to nature will be miraculously naturally possible and from these two people a nation came forth and their descendants continue to grow miraculously and naturally. The week of Vayera couldn't have been a more perfect time for their precious baby girl to be born. It was not at the crack of dawn and not at dusk but in the middle of the day at an ordinary hour on an ordinary, non holiday, nothing special weekday. A miracle, baruch Hashem. The midwives today had no idea why the sobbing and tears from Avraham and Sarah (and myself as well!) as the baby was born because they didn't know their story, didn't know all that they had gone through and all that they had done. They didn't know that this baby was more than your usual miracle. An important thought to hold onto and then I'm going off to sleep is that.... Avraham and Sarah were (and are) real people. Miracles do happen to extraordinary ordinary people. The impossible when placed in Hashem's Hands is still possible. May we always share in such beautiful moments; be meritorious to see them happening. I try to teach my children not to judge by the "uniform" of what people wear. Not to get caught up with it. It's not the clothes which make a person, it's the person and their deeds which define who a person really is.
Because you see clothes you take on and you take off. If I wear a chassidish garb today it doesn't make me a chassid and if I wear a Mexican pancho it doesn't make me Mexican. But, and this is a big but, they do influence. They influence how people perceive me and even how I perceive myself. Clothing is to the body what all our outside influences are to our soul. Everything outside of me doesn't define who I am nor should it control my state of being. Happiness is a state of being and so is being sad. I can put it on or take it off. Just like a shirt or a skirt. BUT, and here we have a big but, it influences. So what does this mean? It means that just as when I dress it influences how people perceive me and how I perceive myself, so too when I surround myself with positivity or negativity it influences how I feel. Can I build myself up so strong that nothing should matter, that nothing defines me more than I am? Wouldn't that be wonderful? Yes, but I think only at times and in theory. So practically I do what I can to surround myself in positivity. To surround myself in beauty and kedusha (holiness). It's not what makes me, but it influences me. And when I can't? When there is a test and it pulls me down? When there is too much going on around me that I can't change or control? I go back to remembering that this doesn't define me. It can change like a shirt or a skirt. |
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